This post is
pretty much all about my selfishness. Just a warning.
I just went on a
walk with Jesus and we talked about what’s on my heart and mind right now, which
is pretty much everything.
Basically, I’m
REALLY, really selfish. I got a big dose of how much when I found out I was
pregnant. My first thoughts were totally about me: my plans, me working, us
getting out of debt, us, having so many things we needed to do before the
homestead – this was NOT the time for me to be having a baby!
I journaled with
God about my selfishness trying to adjust to what this means in terms of my 5
year degree I’m not going to use, the “kick-ass” (my supervisor’s words, not
mine) job I’m doing at my internship, how me not working pretty much doubles
the time it’s going to take us to get out of debt and build a homestead, and some
other really petty things like being about 15 lbs away from my goal weight
*sigh*
I know that God
is sovereign, and His plans are ALWAYS better than mine. I’ve even experienced
that in my own life! So basically, it was getting what I knew, and what I felt
to line up with each other.
Yesterday, while
I was at my internship I was walking to a different building to do a “Shadowing
Experience.” I had just gotten out of a meeting with my supervisor where I told
her that it’s really important to me to be a stay-at-home mom. She didn’t discourage
my decision, but she did say she was kinda let down because I’ve done such a
great job and she’s had supervisors and department directors asking her about
me (– an intern!! Eep!). In any other life I would have been THA-RILLED! But I
was so bummed-out (stinkin’ flattered, but really bummed nonetheless).
Frustrated and upset, I even started to consider working after having the baby
. . . Talking with God I asked Him why He would have me do such a stellar job
if it wasn’t going to go anywhere! I mean, people know I’m a Christian, so I’m
glad that He’ll be getting glory from it, but it’s so hard to put THAT much
effort into something, be recognized for the accomplishment, but really never
get to harvest the fruit of all that labor. A degree is nothing to laugh at,
but still – I want some fruit!
Well, I’ve asked
Him this countless times over the past few weeks. But this time, I got an answer
. . . well, sort of:
“If I could do all this for an agency,what could I do for the Kingdom?”
This thought
made my heart SOAR! Seriously, I did one of those goofy smiles where I’m kind
of biting down on the side of my lip and off in Lala Land (Nate loves that
smile :). Well, I said that this post was about my selfishness, which it is –
but it’s more so about God’s faithfulness. . .
Back to my walk
today. This thought gives me so much hope. . . But what a transition! I am such
a performance-based person. When I put my mind to something I am like train,
full steam ahead. But the problem is, no matter how worthy I’ve deemed a cause,
and invested YEARS (6.5 on the first (very personal) one and now 5 years on my
degree) and all my effort into (time, thoughts, energy, I have a 3.9 people! I’ve
also been a member of The University Partnership Program for two years) have
totally left me with nothing at the end. But, at the end of the 1st
one, God gave me Nathan – man, can you imagine? This girl is pretty much doing
the wrong thing for 6 years, but then, You bless her beyond her comprehension!
Just because You love her?! Undeserved grace, wave after wave of blessing,
Jesus. O my gosh I love You!
I really don’t
believe this is any different. I don’t know how long it’ll take the vision God
give us to pass now, but He gave it – it’ll come. In His perfect time. I don’t
to strive, and preform, and work, and labor, and produce – O my gosh no! I get
to rest! I get live each day in love and joy, growing closer to Him and then
experience an over-flowing amount of joy when I look back and realize how HE
brought it all to pass. Man, our Abba is so good to us!
So this IS what’s
true: instead of investing the next half of my life into what moth and rust can
destroy – even the GOOD, NOBLE things – I’m going to do what Jesus said in the
first place: seek first Him and His Kingdom. Because I could even invest in
being the best mom, find my identity in that, place pressure on myself and even
my children, and it could totally back fire! There’s no guarantee of a reward
in that. But the efforts I invest in Christ, a fragrant offering, - Man, I can’t
lose.
The kicker is
not making this preformanced-based as well – “How much can I do for Jesus.” I
listened to a sermon on Treasure vs. Money by Tim Keller today and I think that’s
the answer: is Jesus my treasure? I mean really. Right now He’s not. Right now,
it’s this Homestead vision I have: homesteading with my cute Christian family,
sharing Jesus with the lost and hurting. Super noble right? But as Tim put it,
if when I look at that I think “I have to have it. When I have it, I’ve really
got something, I really AM something.” I’m looking to this vision to be my
Treasure and to give me all the things Jesus has ALREADY given me.
I’m still
working out the details, leaning on Holy Spirit to help me climb this un-climbable
mountain, but I know the basis is making Jesus my treasure. Seriously, my Pearl
of Greatest Price. I’m His. <3 And part of that is letting His words and
thoughts take over my thinking and then my life: love others, give, pray, rest,
press on. He’s so lovely! I want my heart to beat like His, I want the things
that made his heart beat faster, to make mine go faster to. I want the things
that kept Him praying through the night, to keep me from sleep to. I want the
relationship with the Father that I was made for, that Jesus is praying for, I
want to know the Truth of this Love in my inner man.
At Akron, in the
Social Work program, we have to make what’s called a Learning Contract which
lays out all we plan to do and accomplish at our agency and how it will benefit
us in our career. I kinda want to make one with Jesus – not a “to-do list” but
a, “This is what Matters” chart. I’m pretty excited about it.
To Him Who is
EVERYTHING,
MR
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